The Wright One

MIA

I feel like a falling snowflake. I have no idea where I will land, but I am sure I will melt when I get there. Dex keeps coming over after his shift to spend time with Hugh. I don’t want to make him stop but it’s a lot for me to take in. I told him that I needed him to stop telling me that he wants to be with me. I can’t deal with it.

At night I lay awake trying to figure out what it is that I want. It’s always been hard to move on when Dex is around. I have always been drawn to him and now isn’t any different. It doesn’t hurt that he is being the best dad that I have ever seen. I have to practically push him out of the house at night so that I can have space from him. If not then he would be next to Hugh any chance that he could.

I keep as much distance as I can from Dex as possible. A part of me is worried that I jumped the gun with taking this date with Nathon. I worry that maybe I took the date because I was pissed at Dex and wanted to get back at him. I know I’m not that shallow, but maybe I was working on impulse. I wouldn’t put it past me. I get low sometimes.

Dex brought dinner tonight. He’s setting the table while I change Hugh. I feel a little uncomfortable letting Dex pay for anything, but my mother keeps reminding me that he has three years to make up for. I just don’t feel that way. Hugh is my son, I’m not going to make Dex do anything. If he does something for Hugh it’s because he wants to. I don’t want him to regret his son.

I bring Hugh in on my hip and Dex smiles up at me. “There is my beautiful family.”

I shake my head. “Dex, I told you about that.”

He just shrugs. “Mia, I love you. I’m not going to pretend that I don’t. You are my family, you’ll see it one day. I may be patient but I can only hold my tongue so long.”

I talk to him while I put Hugh in his high chair. “You’re going to have to. We aren’t together. We are figuring out how to raise Hugh the best way that we can. That is our only connection now. We can’t force anything else.”

“I’m not forcing anything. I’m telling you, I love you.” I feel this pain in my chest every time that Dex tells me that. I want to cry and scream that it’s too late, but at the same time I want to fall in his arms and never leave. I feel so confused and emotional. I just need time to deal with all of this.

“Let’s just eat dinner.” I brush him off. I can’t do anything else right now. I just don’t have it in me.

We are silent through our meal except for the noises that Hugh makes as he eats. He picks up something and shows it to Dex. “Daddy.”Content protected by Nôv/el(D)rama.Org.

Dex gets a huge smile on his face. “Well, that is the best looking thing I have ever seen. You are getting so big.” Hugh gets a huge smile on his face. I have no idea what they are talking about. I am pretty sure he was holding a green bean. But Dex just played right into it, making Hugh feel like a happy child. There he is doing it again. Why does he have to be here? He breaks my heart every day and he doesn’t even know it.

“Excuse me.” I have been doing this a lot lately. Escaping the room that he is in. If only for a moment to pull myself back together.

When I manage to pull myself back together, I come back into the room to see Dex cleaning up. “Everything alright?”

“I just got a call. There was a robbery last night at that bank downtown. I am working with the detective on the case. He needs me to watch this guy that was admitted to the hospital. He thinks he might be a suspect and not a victim. I can’t really say more than that.”

“Oh, well, stay safe.”

He turns after putting everything in the dishwasher. Reaching out for me he takes my hands and pulls me closer. “I know I screwed up Mia. I have regretted it every moment since I walked away. I can’t even begin to beg for forgiveness. I love you. That night, after I finally let you know how I felt. I started to feel everything crashing in on me. Your brother, your parents. I thought they would all hate me. I thought I was making things harder for you. I didn’t know how hard I actually made things for you. I got scared that I was never going to be good enough for you. I walked away because I was not good enough for you. But I can’t fight my feelings anymore. I have been miserable the last three years. Every minute I am away from you is a minute too long.” He leans in and kisses me again. I have made a point to keep distance from him so that he couldn’t do this again. But there was this look of pain in his eyes that I couldn’t pull away from.

I hate how his lips still make me yearn for more. How I still love him. I should hate his guts. But every day I am finding it harder to do that. Why can’t my life be more simple? I pull away from him. “You should go. I am sure they need you.”

He sighs. “Yeah. I’ll text you after I get off so you know that I am safe.”

I just nod. I don’t want him to text me, I want him to go away so I can think. I never thought I would actually want him gone, but that’s what I want right now.

He hugs me then kisses Hugh on the cheek before he leaves. Why does my heart like punishing itself?