The Way I Am Now (The Way I Used to Be)

It was just a week ago we were in my room dancing to no music, celebrating, and now I’m here on the floor, afraid that I’m losing her all over again.

We stay like this, tangled up in each other, for so long the sun comes up.

“Josh?” she finally says, repositioning herself so she’s sitting with her back against the side of the bed.

I sit up straighter too, and she starts touching my face so gently, the only thing I want to do is crawl back into bed with her and sleep this all off.

“I want you to know,” she begins. “I’m going to tell Parker about the trial and everything. I can’t stand her thinking even for one second that you would do something to hurt me. I’ll explain it all to her, okay?”

“You don’t have to do that,” I tell her. “Not on my account. Really.”

“No, I’ve wanted to tell her for a while, anyway. I just couldn’t find the right time—but this is the right time, I know.”

“Only if it’s what you want to do.”

“It is.”

I take a few breaths, practice the words a couple times in my head first. “You might get upset,” I start, “but you should know I told my parents about the assault—the trial and everything. I know I’m not supposed to be talking about it, but—”

“No, it’s okay,” she says so quietly I can’t tell if there’s any uneasiness behind the words. “It’s okay.”

“Is it, though?” I ask. “Is it okay?”

She nods. “I mean, I trust your judgment—God, I trust your judgment more than mine. I know you’re not going to be telling people you don’t trust, who don’t need to know, right?”

“Right. No, of course,” I assure her. “It was just getting hard to keep it a secret.”

“I get it. It’s been a secret for too long. It’s just . . .”

I wait, but she doesn’t finish.

“Hey, I know you’re probably worrying about getting to practice,” she says. “Go, really, you should go.”

“Okay,” I tell her even though practice is the farthest thing from my mind right now, but I’ll go if that’s what she wants. “Are you sure you’re gonna be all right here, alone?”

“Of course, yeah,” she says. She even smiles. “I promise. I think I’ll probably just go back to sleep for a bit.”

I’m shaky as I get to my feet. Almost weak, brittle feeling, as I take her hand and help her up off the floor. Dizzy as I get dressed and lean down to kiss her. Scared as I say “I love you.” Unsteady as I leave her room and close the door behind me.

I make it to morning practice almost forty-five minutes late. Jon shakes his head when I walk into the gym. “Seriously?” he says out loud, looking around.

I don’t even have the strength to get mad at him or try to defend myself, so I say nothing.

Dominic calls me over to the bench press. “Yo, Miller. Spot me.” When I get over there, he says, under his breath, “Are you crazy showing up late after yesterday?” I barely have the energy to put two words together, though, to explain.

“I know” is all I can manage.

“I told Coach you had a last-minute problem with an assignment.”

“Thanks,” I tell him.

I grip the bar with both hands—thankful I’m not so shaky anymore, my blood pumping back through my body again—and help him with the lift-off.

“Got it,” he says.

We take turns spotting each other, and I feel grateful that somehow he knows I shouldn’t be alone right now. I keep catching him watching me too closely, but thankfully, he waits until after practice to ask me, when we’re alone in the locker room.This content © Nôv/elDr(a)m/a.Org.

“Parker called me in the middle of the night, you know. She was really scared. By the time I got down there, I guess it was over, whatever happened, but . . .” He gestures to the scratches on my neck; I pull my collar up. “Be real with me, what’s going on with you? First you start a fight with Jon. Now whatever this is with Eden?”

“I didn’t start that—”

“No,” he interrupts, holding up his hands. “He was being a total prick, I know, but you laid hands on him first. That’s not you.”

“I know,” I sigh. “It’s all just a long, complicated thing, I don’t know . . .”

“I got time.”

So, we skip our first classes and get breakfast instead. I tell him everything that’s been going on. With me, with Eden. The trial. Last night. Everything.

“Damn, that’s some heavy shit.” He shakes his head. “I had no idea.”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want you to, but I just feel like I’m in over my head. Like, I’ve honestly never been so scared in my life. I don’t know what to do. If this happens again, what do I do?”

“This is only a question, I’m not trying to be a dick,” he says, prefacing something I’m sure I’m not going to like. “But is she worth all this to you?”

“Of course,” I answer right away—there’s no question about it.

“No, I mean really, because this is a lot. A lot for anyone, even you.”

“Dominic. Stop. She’s worth it.” But I feel myself getting all emotional again—angry, sad, it’s becoming harder to even know the difference anymore. “You know, this is all happening because literally everyone in her life has treated her like she’s not worth it for so long.”

“I get it,” he says. “I do. I really do.” He pauses. “If you’re in this for the long haul, maybe you need to talk to someone too. Because you know I got your back, but I have no clue what to tell you in this situation.”

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

“You know I love you man, but as your friend, can I be honest?”

“Yeah, okay.”

“You’re starting to spiral again,” he says. “Like before.”