Scream For me

AARON

The park was quiet this early in the morning. Noah pushed the stroller with Warner in it, and Ben ran up the path ahead of us. We’d brought the kids to the park so that Ava could sleep in and have a girl’s day where she could focus on herself apart from being a mom.

Warner kicked his chubby little legs and waved his favorite toy, babbling happily as if he were part of the men’s conversation.

“I contacted that agency,” I said to Noah. “The one my mom was talking about.”

“Oh, that’s good. You can use the help. We have a nanny, and there are two of us. I don’t even know how you’ve managed without someone so far.”

I shrugged. “I’ve had babysitters, and my mom helps out a lot. I guess it’s just a lot of leaving events early, instead of staying later with you guys.”

Noah nodded, and we walked in silence for a while. Warner’s squeals and giggles filled the silence that stretched thin, and it was a pleasure to hear him.

“Sometimes, I miss the days when Ben was so little,” I said.

“Really?”

I nodded. “Time goes by so fast. In no time at all, we’ll be talking about girlfriends and college and stuff like that.”

“That’s a while away still.”

I nodded but frowned. “I know boys want male role models more than girls do, but I still worry that Ben’s growing up with a lopsided view of life.”

We stopped at the play area.

“Be careful, buddy,” I called out when Ben ran straight to the jungle gym and climbed onto the steps. “Both hands!”

Ben didn’t even answer, but I watched as he gripped the ladder with both hands, making sure his feet were secure before he let go to grab the next rung.

“What do you mean?” Noah asked, sitting down on a bench. He spread a blanket at his feet and took Warner out of the stroller, letting the boy sit on the blanket. “One of these days, he’s going to start walking, and then we’ll have our hands full,” Noah said, unpacking toys onto the blanket for his son to play with.

“It’s going to be fun,” I said with a chuckle. “You want those first steps, and the moment you get them, you wish they would just stop and sit down for a second.”

Noah laughed. “I can’t wait for that.”

I was jealous of Noah’s life. In some ways, he had exactly what I had, and it was nice that one of my friends was finally in a position where we could relate to each other. I’d always been the odd one out, the guy who’d had to think about being a dad the next day, so drinking until sunrise wasn’t an option. The guy who had to say no to boys’ weekends away because I couldn’t leave Ben that long.This belongs © NôvelDra/ma.Org.

In other ways, Noah had everything I didn’t. He had the perfect family and parents that were proud of him.

“I worry that he won’t see what love should be like, because I don’t have someone in my life. How can Ben know what a relationship and a proper family is when it’s just the two of us all the time?”

“Do you think it will be such a big deal? We didn’t all grow up with the best examples, and we figured it out, right?”

Maybe he was rightwe knew what to do because of what we saw, but always what not to do, learning from others’ mistakes. Maybe Ben would eventually learn from my mistakes and not make so many of his own.

“Is she not in the picture at all?” Noah asked softly.

Warner fell over, suddenly losing his balance for no reason at all.

“Hey, I’ve got you, big guy,” Noah said, pulling his son upright again. “Just a wobble, right?” Warner offered Noah a gummy grin with two little front teeth showing, and Noah grinned, taking his phone out to take a photo.

“Daddy, look!” Ben said and went down the slide when I looked up, his hands in the air. “Did you see it? Did you see how fast I went?”

“Faster than the speed of light,” I said. “Can you do it again?”

“Yeah!” Ben ran to the ladder and climbed up again. He was getting so big.

“She’s not,” I answered Noah’s question. “At first, I was bitter as fuck about it. I mean, who the hell does that? Now that we’re almost a decade down the line, I no longer have such a problem with it. It’s better that way.” “She could at least help,” Noah pointed out.

“Yeah, that would have been nice,” I said. “I just keep telling myself that if she didn’t want Ben, it’s better that she’s not around to remind him of that, you know?”

“What do you tell him when he asks about Sabrina? Does he?”

I nodded. “I thought about that long and hard when I enrolled him in a play group the first time. Kids talk, and they compare each other. These days, families come in all shapes and sizesit’s not like it used to be back in the day when divorce was frowned upon, and couples were predictable. It’s still a thing when his friends have moms, and he doesn’t. I’ve always been honest with him, however. I told him it didn’t work out between me and her, and she decided to live the life she needed to live while I decided to live mine. Ours.”

“That’s nice of you.”

“I can’t lie to him,” I said with a shrug. “It’s not fair. Lying to kids is where things go wrong. Eventually, he would find out the truth, which would make me the bad guy in his eyes. I don’t want that.”

Noah nodded. Warner grabbed a toy and stuck it in his mouth, leaving long strings of slime all over it. Noah wiped up the drool with practiced ease. Seeing my friend turn from a playboy to a father was cool. He looked like he’d been made for this all along.

“You should find someone,” Noah said. “Not just a date, something serious.”

“Who would want something serious with me? I have a full life. I can’t create something from scratch.”

“Yeah, but you’ll be open about it and create something beautiful.”

Noah was right, of course. It just wasn’t that simple. I could date someone and get serious, sure. I was thirty-one, and I wanted to settle down more and more. Maybe even give Ben a sibling or two. The choices I made didn’t just affect me, though. They would affect Ben, too, and anyone I was with would put not only my heart at risk but Ben’s heart as well. What if things went wrong? The way we were, just the two of us, worked for me. It was safe, it was predictable, and even though I would have wished for my life to be different, I wasn’t going to leap into the unknown when it wasn’t necessary.

I’d learned a long time ago that routine and stability were important to a kid. I wanted Ben to grow up as balanced as possible. The only way to do that was to keep the variables in our lives to a minimum.

Bringing a woman into our lives now disrupts the flow of things, and that was just stupid when things were going as well as they were.

Small things were tough, of course, but we managed just fine on our own.

“I think, for now, I’m going to settle for getting a nanny. It’s already a big change, and we’re taking it one step at a time. I’m freeing some time up for myself and taking the pressure off so that when we spend time together, I can be fully present with Ben. Right now, when I’m working, I feel like I should be with him, and when I’m with him, I feel like I should be working.”

Noah nodded. “I think it’s a good call. One step at a time, like you said. After taking care of that part, you can focus on the next part. Just don’t rule out dating again, okay? I know Sabrina was a total bitch, and what she did, turned your whole life upside down, but that doesn’t mean all women are like that. After being with so many women I’d lost count, I found my happily ever after, and I’m convinced that others can, too.” “A true believer, huh?” I laughed.

“Hey, if it can happen to me when I was practically a write-off, it can happen to anyone.”

I snorted. “You weren’t a write-off.”

“I was a mess. My life was a disaster.”

Maybe Noah was right. Maybe there was a happy ending for all of us. It just looked different for different people. I would figure out what mine was, eventually. I just had to stop comparing my life to everyone else’s. All it did was upset me, make me jealous, and make me feel like I’d missed out.

“Daddy, are you looking?” Ben asked.

“I’m watching,” I said.

Ben swung across the monkey bars, his lips pursed in concentration as he swung from one bar to the other. When he reached the other side, he looked at me with pride.

“That was great!” I said.

“I can do it again, but faster!”

“Let me see,” I said, and Noah looked up so that the two of us watched Ben together.

This was my life, and Ben was a good kid. I loved him to death. If I had to choose between a life with him and a life without him, I would choose him every time. How could I feel like I was missing out when I had him? I had to stop thinking about what I didn’t have and focus on what I had.

It wasn’t always easy when I saw how the others lived their lives, but they didn’t have what I had any more than I had what they did.

I would just keep holding onto that.