Chapter 123
(Undergoing serious editing)
**GWEN**
I left the dining room and hurried away to hide in my chamber where I won’t be chanced to be confronted with Ashton’s coldness. He didn’t need to hit me to break my inner self. Solely words, wicked words and I was broken to pieces.
The sooner I was in, I lapped against the door frame, slid down the length of it, and cried my heart out. I felt my body rock in raw pain. So much pain for this circumstance which I found myself that was utterly beyond me. I always thought I could handle anything thrust at me. No matter the intensity.
But this, this was totally above my capacity and the more I considered it, the more I realize that it might be the end of me. I was stalling for time, praying, hoping to shift and meet my wolf and see if there would be a miracle of a child before Ashton raised a question.
Now, he didn’t even ask, he was outright calling me useless.
I covered my face with my hands as more tears streamed uncontrollably. The pain was like an arrow struck directly in the core of my heart. And in all these, the only person I needed his comfort was Ashton. I needed his consolation so bad it irritated my inner being and made me feel like an idiot. A weak clumsy idiot!
Deprived of every energy to cry any longer, I stretched out my legs before me with my hands at both side of me, and stared blankly ahead. My lips were chapped as it was dried. I was sapped of everything that made life worth living and just wished I could die.
From the way things were happening, I think nature was conspiring to make my life more miserable than it was. Because how come when Ashton was going to agree to carry out the ritual of acceptance with me, bad things were suddenly occurring to divert his attention and instead make him despise me?
Was that normal? I didn’t think so.
What if I was cursed? Maybe at birth. Maybe that was why I was rejected by my real parents? That could be the only answer to what was transpiring with me.
I don’t have a wolf, I don’t even know if I can have one and because of that I can’t have children. And I couldn’t even tell Ashton. And after tonight, I must say I have become more complicated about my present position in this palace. At any moment and Ashton might kick me out. Who knows?
“Gwen.” I shuddered. I didn’t even hear anyone come down the hall.
I held my breath and pushed at the door firmly already knowing who it was.
“Gwen, open the door.” Ashton knocked, his voice softer like he was a saint. After what he did downstairs.
“Look, I was mad, alright. I shouldn’t have said what I did. I feel so stupid for losing my shit and I’m here to right my wrong.”
I ignored him. And also ignored the idiot emotion in me that was starting to purr that he was here to beg. He doesn’t deserve my forgiveness that quickly after insulting me in front of his mother.
But you are also lying to him, something said in me. Maybe if you telLhim the truth he would be more mindful next time. After all couples fight all the time.
I shook my head. Still, I was not in the mood to face him today. I have already told him my mind.
“Gwen, I will sit here and wait until you are willing to listen to me, okay? If we have to be at each other’s throat I guess we should do it indoors and focus on the important things after that.”
“Then, suit yourself,” I didn’t know when the words flew off my mouth.
I bit down my lower lips, sniffing softly. My arms folded on my chest stubbornly and hoped he get the point and leave. Or, maybe not.
I heard a sliding sound down the door, indicating he was going to carry his threat of sitting there. So, literally, we were facing away from each other from the opposite sides of the door.
“You know when my father died,” he began in a very low soothing tone. “I was not ready to be a King. I loved adventures just like Mother. I wanted to go into the horse business and compete in the big world with the likes of America. I was madly in love with the shit. Up to now…” His voice titillated down. “But… father left and like that, the responsibility of being a King was dropped on me. Just like that.”
I was attentive, despite not wanting to. This was the first time he was telling me something extremely personal to him. And it had to be when we were fighting. Though I knew his love for the horses, I didn’t know how much.
“Before that time, I met Emma.” My ears perked up. “We met at a party. I fell in love with her at first sight and was not freaked when she told me she was a werewolf. We were the perfect match as long as I was concerned. I knew there and then I had found my wife. Even if she was not my mate.”
At a party? Lycans and werewolves went to the same party in the past? I would kill to see that.
“She presented to be a picture of perfection and I didn’t want to hide away any part of me and so… I brought her home to introduce her to my family as the love of my life.”
My guts twisted with jealousy. I couldn’t tell if it was my head playing tricks on me but somehow I felt I could still hear that enthusiasm in his voice as he spoke about her to me. So much I craved for Ashton to love me like that. And so much this woman had him clutched in whatever charm she used on him that no matter what, I might always be second option. However, I didn’t show my disapproval. I chose to listen.
“My mother outrightly refused at first meet, informing me how the union won’t work while father merely smiled and asked me to tread cautiously. I should have listened to their words and knew she was bad luck and was going to ruin me. But the rebellion in me didn’t want to and so I fell for her charm. I let her use me…” His voice chugged at the ending, I yearn to open the door and take him in my arms for comfort. I wonder what manner of woman would reject a man like Ashton. I wished I had her balls.
“Then, unlike me that promised to reject my mate for her if I found her along the way of our union when her mate came along, she didn’t hesitate to accept him. She told me about him and said she was going to sever ties with him. I believed her. I believed the devil’s tongue so much that I even proposed and we set our wedding. Then on that day, she never came. She ran away back to him and to date, I never saw her again.
“So you see, all I have is this Kingdom because it’s the one thing I needed to use to prove to both my father and mother that yes, I didn’t listen to them in the past, but I could do this. My father was a good King and I never ever want to destroy all he had built over the years.”
“I want the same thing, Ashton.” I let out quietly, dropping my hands down. “I was not prepared to be a Queen when I came here. And when I was made one I assumed it was all ball gowns and tea parties. Nonetheless, I was willing to learn.” I touched the bracelets on my wrist and played with them. A representation of the two men that would forever hold my heart.
“It hurts, Ashton,” a tear fell down my face. “It hurts so bad that you, you take advantage of my mistake to call me a failure. I would never intentionally hurt you. Because, because…” I couldn’t even say the words anymore.
“I know, Gwen.” He flipped about. I knew from the movement on the door. His voice became louder and closer. “I allowed my emotions get the best of me and that’s not fair to you.”
“You know that first week when you vented your anger at me?” I asked with a small laugh of sadness. “Those times when you reminded me how much I wasn’t molded for this position? You were right, Ashton. I am a common Beta’s daughter. Where I come from that is a lofty rank but from all I’ve seen here, that might be compared to nothing.”
“It doesn’t matter. What matters is what you have inside of you and all I have seen this far is kindness. A kindness I do not deserve.”
“I suck at this, Ashton. You don’t have to massage my ego. I am the wrong choice for this and perhaps, you should have married Merit. She, she…”
“Gwen, stop,” he ordered. “Don’t.. say that.”
“I am tired, Ashton. I am tired of too many expectations. I was that little girl that used to dream of living in castles yet as I grew older I only yearned for love and friendship. I don’t want to be a second option.”
“You can never be that.”
“I can’t even… have a baby.” I sniffed, as I finally said it, my body breaking apart.
For a second there was sizzling silence. It was now or never. He would ask me to pack my things and get out of the palace and put a stamp on my incapacity to be his Queen. There goes my rejection.
“Why do you say that?” He eventually asked. The voice was leveled. Not harsh
“Ashton, I am willing to leave if you reject me. I will totally, totally understand.”
“I am never rejecting you, Gwen. You should know that by now.”
“Then what are you going to do? I can’t give you a child. I am useless, you said it.”
“I didn’t mean that.”
“I don’t even have a wolf. I left my pack because I do not have an identity and then I came here and I am wrecking your Kingdom.”
“You are being too hard on yourself, baby. Please, open the door.”
“I am cursed from the depth of hell.”
“Gwen…”
“I do not even know my real parent. I told you? They said they picked me. Who knows if my real parents are humans? Or, or maybe they realized I was cursed and threw me away.”
“Gwen, please open the damn door.”
“I just want to die, Ashton.” My body rocked hard with painful sobs. “I feel so alone and so miserable. I am slowly dying everyday and I do not know what I am going to do. Why me?”
“I’m sorry, baby. You are not alone. You have me.”
“You hate me,” I splayed my hands in gesture as if he was in front of me. I couldn’t even see as a result of the amount of tears pouring down my face. “You would soon give up and throw me away like my biological parents and where would that leave me?”
“Whoever they are, Gwen,” I heard a sound clap on the door. Must be his hand. “… it’s their loss.”
“I am a lo-s-s… I am a fai-lu-re.”
“Please, stop, baby.”
I sprawled on the ground and let my sorrows flow. It could be likened to a gushing fountain pulled by an invisible force down the hill. It overflowed.
First I couldn’t find a man to love me enough without having another woman who secretly nipped at their heart. And then, I didn’t know my identity. I was like a wanderer with no identification as to where I belonged to.
A good for nothing.
“I love you, Gwendolyn,” He said the very words I have been dying to hear since I set my eyes on him.All text © NôvelD(r)a'ma.Org.
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