Filthy Secret

A LITTLE MORE

Hadley

PRESENT

I was happy.

Or I tried to be. No matter how much time had gone by though, I couldn’t get that summer out of my head. I would fall asleep at night,

only to wake to the sounds of my own screaming.

After attending a party, I drank too much and passed out. Only to wake hours later completely naked. I couldn’t remember what had happened but the evidence of what had been done to me, was clear on my skin. News traveled fast and the following year at school was so damn bad with bullying, I upped and moved across the country.

It didn’t matter anyway. I had been alone my entire life. It wasn’t like I loved the foster family I had been with anyway, so they shipped me off to another family who could maybe calm the girl who screamed at night because her nightmares tried to destroy her.

Maybe I should have listened to the doctors and spoke to someone.

Maybe I should have taken the pills they gave me.

Maybe I should have done a lot of things.

Like take the garbage out last night.

Or call my friend who I haven’t spoken to in over a week.

Or not let my fiance fuck me the way he did. The way he needed. The way he craved.

I hated him for making me lust for him.

I hated myself for the way he made me feel.

But no matter how much that hatred ran through my veins, I still needed him. His power. His wrath. His love. Although, I hadn’t seen that part of him in so long, I wasn’t sure if it even existed anymore.

The sound of a door closing, pulled me from my thoughts. My back was to the door and although I couldn’t see him, I knew he was close.

I could picture him in my mind’s eye.

He would start with his tie first, pulling the several hundred-dollar item free from his collar. If it was the same one he had put on that morning, it was blood red. The crimson was so deep, it looked almost black unless you saw it in the light.

He would then unbutton his dress shirt. The one he had on that morning was black. It made his sun-kissed skin appear more tanned in a way.

Strong fingers would pull the shirt tails from his pants before shrugging out of the fabric that cost more than the monthly bills of the house I grew up in.

Those same fingers would slowly lower the zipper in the black dress pants that matched the shirt. It would be so slow, almost teasing in a way, knowing I liked the sound of anticipation.

My heart sped up.

My ears were attuned to the sounds flowing around me. They kissed my skin. Promising me pain mixed with pleasure.

When the blanket started lowering off of my naked body, I bit back a whimper.

I wanted him.

But I didn’t.

He scared me.

I loved him.

It was all so damn confusing.

With his light blue eyes that looked almost silver and his sandy blonde hair, Logan Donahue was a walking wet dream. But no matter how much time had passed, no matter how well I thought I knew him, he made me quickly realize that I didn’t know him.

Not at all.

Not even a little bit.

*****

PAST

Light blue eyes that appeared so damn light, were staring back at me. They didn’t seem real and yet they were.

Strong fingers pushed through blond hair that I wished I could touch myself. Was his hair soft? It looked soft. And those eyes. God, those eyes. They looked like silver dollar coins. Maybe they were contacts. “Hadley.” I looked up.

Pamela Banks, a friend I had made recently after bonding over our love of coffee, placed a mug on the table in front of me.

“Oh, thank you.” I grabbed it with two hands and took a sip, letting out a hard sigh when the sweet warm latte tickled my taste buds.

“Good?” She smiled.

“Yes, thank you.” I hadn’t been sleeping well the fast few weeks. She knew that after spending many nights on the phone with me. She had been the only one I could confide in, even though there wasn’t much to tell.

Since I couldn’t remember everything that had happened.

“How are you doing? How’s school?”

My lips tugged into a small smile at the concern evident in her voice. “I’m fine and school is almost done. So that’s even better.”

She laughed softly. “That’s true.” She pursed her red lips, her honeycolored eyes locking with mine.

“What is it?” I shifted, getting uncomfortable under her intense scrutiny.

“Are you good?” she asked.

I sighed, my heart skipping a beat at her concern for me. I often regretted spilling my guts to her. “Yeah. I am. One day at a time and all.”

“Well.” She clapped her hands together. “We can pig out on junk food and binge watch crappy movies. Whatever you want. Just let me know when.”

“Sounds like a wonderful plan.” I took a sip of my coffee while Pamela went on to talk about her latest date she went on the other day. She had been going through a rut, falling into bed with random guys even though I warned her against it. I knew what it was like to get into bed with the wrong guy.

Ever since that night I was sexually assaulted after having too much to drink, I would take out that pain on random guys. Although I didn’t drink anymore, I used sex as an out instead.

My stomach twisted as those memories tried slipping to the forefront of my mind. I couldn’t go there. Not again. Not ever again.

“Hadley.” Pamela reached across the table and grabbed my hand.

I cleared my throat, my cheeks heating. “Sorry.” She must have been trying to get my attention and I never noticed. This time of year, always messed me up.

“I love you,” she said gently. “You know that right?”

I nodded, my gaze flicking across the room to the man who had been staring at me earlier.

He was looking down at his cell phone, his fingers moving quickly over the screen.

His head lifted, his eyes suddenly locking with mine.

My stomach did a flip. I should look away. I didn’t want to be rude and stare at him, but he was beautiful. In a ruggedly handsome kind of way. I found myself unable to look away.

His hair was shorter on the sides and longer on top. There was a wave to it and it looked soft to the touch.

His strong jaw ticked, his full mouth pulling into a grin.

“Who’s that?” Pamela asked, breaking the intense stare down I was having with the stranger.

“I’m not sure.” Although I had never officially met the guy before, I had seen him around the coffee shop over the past few months. “Well, he’s looking at you like…”

I met Pamela’s gaze when her voice trailed off. “What?”

“I don’t know.” She chewed her bottom lip. “I’m not sure I like it though.”

She had become protective ever since I told her what had happened to me.

I loved Pamela dearly. She was the sister I was never allowed to have. It had amazed me how fast our friendship formed, especially when we hadn’t known each other for that long.

“It’s fine.” I brushed it off. “I’m going to the bathroom. Want anything on my way back?” I asked, rising from the chair.

“No.” She smiled up at me. “Thank you.”

I nodded, turned around slowly and went to head in the direction of the bathroom when I realized that I would have to walk by that guy I had been staring at.

I didn’t meet his gaze, but I could feel his eyes burning into me. It was like they were drilling tiny little holes into my body until all I felt was him touching me. I wondered if he would be gentle. His suit looked expensive, so maybe his hands were soft from not knowing a hard day’s work.

Rough calloused hands slid over my stomach, grazing down my abdomen to my hips.

I bit back a whimper, knowing what was coming next but refused to let him hear it. I refused to let any of them hear it.

It had been the only memory I had of that night and one I tried to forget.

A throat clearing brought me back to the present.

Bright silver eyes were staring directly at me. The man had risen from his spot at his table and was now standing directly in front of me.

“You okay?” he asked, but although the concern was apparent in his words, his voice was clipped with annoyance. Like my momentary blackout interrupted whatever he had been doing on his phone.

I nodded. “I’m sorry.” I winced, knowing I shouldn’t have apologized because the episodes weren’t my fault. But I still felt the need to apologize for them.

Hanging my head low, I pushed past him. Our shoulders touched, a spark of something passing between us. I stopped suddenly, unable to move as the sudden need to push my way into his arms crossed my mind.

“What’s your name?” he asked me, his voice low.

“Hadley.”

“Look at me.” The demand sent a flutter of unease rushing through me but at the same time it left me yearning for his touch.

I met his gaze then, getting lost in his light eyes.

His lips twitched. Sticking out his hand, he waited.

I hesitated but was raised to be polite and slipped my fingers in his.Published by Nôv'elD/rama.Org.

“Nice to meet you, Hadley.” His thumb brushed over my pulse point.

“I’m Logan Donahue.”