Chasing His Muse

I was up already, headed up to the kitchen, and made us a coffee.

What am I doing here?

I felt like I was digging my own hole. I should’ve been left alone. I was falling already for Brenton. With Collin, it was a puppy love, that grew into marriage over the years. When it all fell apart, I ended up in a loony bin.

God! I should’ve stayed away from him. I was not sure I could survive if we fell apart.

I looked into his bedroom, and he was still sleeping with his backside up.

Shit! I’m gonna miss him.

I quickly changed, got my purse and my phone. I saw his sketchbook. And start writing my note.

Dearest Brenton,

Please forgive me. But I can’t do this, it’s too much for me. I fear for my life should anything happen to us. I will cherish the time we had together. I thank you for being there for me. But I need to heal myself, I hope you could understand and give me my space.

I’m so sorry. I love you.

Nicolette.

I left the note on the kitchen counter. I looked around his place one last time, taking in his memory. Shedding my tears, as I walked out to the street, and called myself a taxi, and get back to my place.

I felt like I was drowning in sorrows. It had only been a couple of weeks, but it hit me like waves tumbling me over and over again like I was suffocating like I couldn’t get above water and filled my lungs with air.

Shit! This is hard.

I called Laura as I got back to my place, feeling like I should not be left alone. I didn’t trust myself at the moment.

She was at my place twenty minutes later. Confused about my state of being. “Hey Girl, what happened? Please tell me, did Brenton did something stupid already?” She asked looking worried at me.

“No Laura, he’s been perfect actually. It’s me. I think I need time to heal, I think we’re moving to fast. I don’t know what will happen to me if he left me. I’m falling for him, Laura. God! I’m so scared.” I cried sobbing on her shoulder. She was genuinely worried about me now.

Then there was a knock on the door. I know it was him. Laura was on her feet already reaching for the door. I could hear their heated arguments on the porch. She wouldn’t let him in, and he had not pushed himself in. Then I could hear his car screeching off the driveway. He was gone.Text property © Nôvel(D)ra/ma.Org.

I felt empty. He’s gone.

Laura was by my side again. Saying nothing, just holding on to me. She took me to my room, and rocked me to sleep, just like she always did.

I woke up and it was dark already, I could hear someone in the kitchen. Then I saw Regan. She hugged me tightly.

“I’m so sorry Nic. I should’ve known it’s too fast. Laura called me and told me everything. I’m here for you Nic, whatever you do, I’m not going to leave you again.” She told me stroking my hair, kissing the top of my head, taking me in her embrace.

“Thank you Reg, I just… I love him. I don’t want to leave him, but I fear for my life.” I cried harder in her embrace, sobbing as she held me tight.

“I’m done Regan, I don’t think I’m strong enough. Why do I keep falling Reg? I don’t want to feel this. I don’t want to be this fragile. I want to be me.” She led me to the couch, as she kept holding me in her arms.

“It’s okay now Nic. You have us, we’re here. We’re not going to leave you. You will be back to your own self. I will help you, I promise you. Whatever you decide about that tattooed hunk Brenton Adams, it’s up to you.” She smiled at me, as we both laughed.

“He is damn hot, isn’t he? Damn Reg, I wish it could be just sex, he’s fucking amazing at it. My… the things he can do!” I laughed giggling with her now.

“Thanks again Regan, for this. You can always make me laugh. So, is Leslie okay with you here, did she know about me… us?” She looked into my eyes and fixed my strand of hair.

“She will, I will tell her tomorrow. She’s a bit feisty, so it’s better if I tell her in person. I’ll stay here with you tonight. Or are you not comfortable with me, being this close to you? Do you still have feelings for me, my sexy Nic?” She teased me, knowing that we used to be one of the hottest lesbian couples in college.

“I love you Regan, and you love me. I know that. There will always be us. But I know I’m not gay. Especially after that tattooed handsome goodness.” I snuggled in closer to her embrace, as she took me in.

“Oh… Reg, what am I going to do with him?”

“Well, I would tell you to leave him for me, if I’m not with Leslie. But I love her Nic. I’m sorry to disappoint you.” She smiled smugly at me.

“Oh Regan, can you tell me more about Leslie? Oh and can you make me your cocktail mix, it’s been a while.” I grinned at her.

“I don’t know about putting liquor and me together, in front of you now. But I will try to stay faithful to my Leslie. Right, let me set it up for you. Why don’t you take a shower, and change to something more revealing for me?” I laughed at her, and strutted back to my room, as she whistled wooing behind me.

We talked all night, about her and Leslie. I could see that she really loves her, and it made me happy for both of them. She was a great lover. She had so much to give, and she made me happy, in all those times in college.

“It’s been so long Reg, I miss this. But I think I’m beat. I’m going to head off to bed now. I’ll see you in the morning. I already set up the guest bedroom for you. Nite Regan, thank you again for this.” I hugged her as she hugged me back, saying she was going to stay up a little longer, to call Leslie.

I laid in my bed, thinking about what happened today. Thinking about what he was doing now. I reminisced about when we sat down on the floor, with him in front of me, between my legs. We were talking with me hugging him from behind, and he took my hand in his, putting small kisses on it, making me feel loved.

I fell asleep to that image smiling.

Memories. Of him loving me.