Awake At Dawn (Wildflower Series Book 2)

I WASN’T SURE what was more shocking: that Julian let me walk away with Gemma unscathed or that he only asked Gemma once if she wanted to move in with him and Juniper. Once she declined, he nodded and let it go. Let her go. With me. Back to my apartment. He didn’t even try to come with.

Maybe he’d realized it was too late for an intervention. Perhaps he’d seen the truth in my eyes—that I would fucking fight him if he tried to take her away from me now.

Either way, I was relieved. But I wasn’t delusional that things would be the same. I felt it in the air, in Gemma’s quiet unease, as we drove back to my apartment. Julian had voiced things that couldn’t be ignored. But it was Gemma’s pleading voice, her reaction, that I couldn’t get out of my head.

I never expected that from Noah.

The line kept repeating, over and over.

When we silently walked in the door of my apartment, Gemma made for her room. I followed for a few steps and then stopped, watching her leave me behind. She glanced over her shoulder as though she could feel my heavy gaze. A mix of emotions coated her expression, and I wished, more than anything, that I could get inside her head.

“I think I just need…” she started before trailing off when she saw the look on my face. She stood in the kitchen, turning to face me, but half her body was still angled toward her bedroom like she was ready to make a break for it.

I waited for her to say more.

What do you need, baby?

Gemma cleared her throat. “I have people I should…probably call.”

I nodded, even though I knew that wasn’t what she’d been about to say a minute ago. “I think that’s a good idea.”

“Do you think…” She wrapped her arms around herself in a lonely hug I desperately wanted to invade. “I should probably start looking for apartments, huh? Just so I have something lined up.”

No.

Fuck no.

The fact that she would even ask that made my chest crack open.

My lips parted, reassuring words on my tongue, ones that would make it more than clear what I thought about her moving out. But then her words echoed in my head again.

I never expected that from Noah.

She’d expected a place to crash for a few months. She’d expected sex. She’d expected a goddamn friend. She didn’t expect anything more. Did she want more? There was only one way to find out.

“Is that what you want?”

I’d already told her that there was no rush to move out. And I’d meant it.

Gemma chewed on her bottom lip before answering with a nonanswer. “It’s probably for the best.”

Was it, though? The thought of Gemma moving out did not feel remotely like something that could be described as the best. In fact, it felt very much like the opposite. And Gemma didn’t exactly look excited by the thought, either. But maybe that was just a reflection of the afternoon, of the exhaustion that seemed to set in after she’d hugged Julian one more time and turned to face me with dried tears on her cheeks.

I pressed my lips together, not knowing what to say. She looked like she expected me to say more, but how could that be? So much for No-Expectation-Noah.

It made me want to rip my hair out, unable to decide if I wanted to prove her wrong or prove her right.

I knew I had a reputation. I knew I’d floated through my adult life while living a no-strings-attached lifestyle. I knew I wasn’t the most dependable person, knew my schedule was unpredictable and busy. I knew I didn’t have relationship experience or much to show for myself outside of money and football, but Christ, had the last few months meant nothing to her? Had I not proven that I was at least a little committed to her, to this, to us?

I hadn’t said the words. I realized that. But I’d lived and breathed Gemma Briggs for the last month. Did she not see that?

Gemma’s eyes scanned my face, and I knew I was doing a terrible job of hiding my emotions. I was trying not to be pissed, trying not to show I was pissed, especially because I knew how emotional the last couple of hours had been for her. But fuck, I was struggling.

“I’m sorry that Julian found out that way,” she said softly. “That he said the things that he did.”

I swallowed the lump that had made its way into my throat. “Me too.”

“I meant what I said, though. To Julian.” She let her arms fall to the side, and there was something about the action that felt so…helpless. Or maybe helplessness was just what stirred up inside me as I stood a few paces from her, watching everything crumble around us. “You don’t hold any obligation toward me. I know you warned me that you don’t do relationships, and I know I’m the last person you’d break that rule for.”

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Gemma Briggs was the only fucking person I’d ever considered breaking any rules for. Didn’t matter what they were. If it meant she’d cut it the fuck out and get back over here into my arms, I’d break any rule.

I shoved my hands into my pockets as I frowned. “Why would you think that?”

She pursed her lips like she didn’t want to tell, but that wasn’t going to work for me.

“Why the hell do you think you’d be the last person, Em?” I pressed.

“Come on, Noah…” she hedged, giving me a look I didn’t quite understand.

“No.” I took a step forward. “Tell me. I need to know.”

“What guy wants a girl who’s pregnant with another man’s baby?” She threw her hands up, nearly choking on the question before following it up with a humorless laugh. I could see that sheen in her eyes again, and I ground my teeth together at the sight. At what she’d said.

“Did you not listen today?” I punched the words out through gritted teeth, balling my hands into fists in my pockets. “Do we need to replay this afternoon? I’ve been wanting you.”

“Noah, stop.” Gemma dropped her head, shaking it. “I know you’ve been wanting me. But just for…”

“Sex,” I finished for her when she couldn’t seem to do it. “Right?”

The word dropped between us like an anvil.

She blinked, not saying a word. And holy shit, that silence hurt. That was what she really thought of me? Of this? Sure, we’d agreed to it. But weeks had passed since then, and I couldn’t believe that none of it had meant anything to her.

“Is that what it felt like today?” I asked, my voice cold and stony. “When I had you up against the wall? It was just another fuck, right?”

I pressed my lips together as I tried to read between the lines. Because I needed to know. I needed to know if we’d just been fucking today. It hadn’t felt like just fucking, and I didn’t know what I would do if she hadn’t felt that, too. Because I’d never experienced anything like that. Anything like her.

Pain lanced through Gemma’s eyes. “Don’t make me answer that.”

“No, if that’s how you really feel, then I need to hear you say it.” When she just blinked at me, I added desperately, “Because it was…Gemma, it was more. You are so much more to me than that. How can you not see that by now? I don’t know what’s happening or where to go from here, but you know it was more.”

“I know,” she whispered in the smallest voice. But I didn’t care, because those two words meant there was still hope.

I sighed, feeling ragged and raw. “Then why? Why do you keep trying to reduce us to less than that?”

“Because.” Her voice was tired, so tired, and I just wanted to wrap her up and bring her back to bed with me. But I knew that wouldn’t solve anything right now. “I didn’t want you to think that I went into this arrangement with the illusion that I could change who you think you are. I respect your boundaries and will never expect you to give me more than you are willing or able. And one time, you told me sex was all you could give. But if something’s changed for you…”

She shook her head like she couldn’t even fathom that something had changed, which killed me. “Of course it feels like more to me. Of course you feel like more to me. You feel like everything. But Noah, I’m more. I come with so much more than just me. And it’s okay if that’s too much…more for you. It really is okay.”

I swallowed, soaking in her words.

I’m more.

Yeah, she was.

She was more. She was the only woman I’d ever felt this wild about. She was brilliant, gorgeous, funny, talented, and yeah, she was about to be a mom. She wasn’t just more. She was everything.

I knew, without a doubt, that I wanted her. That I’d been committed to her since before I even realized it. That this had always been more than sex for me. But Gemma was right; this wasn’t just about her and me. It was about being a parent. And all I could think about was my family’s shock when they thought that I was going to be a dad—as if it were out of the realm of possibility for Noah London, serial playboy, to settle down and have a kid.

Was I really ready for everything? For all the more that she was talking about?

God, I wanted to be ready. I wanted this. I wanted it and her so fucking bad, even if maybe I shouldn’t. Even if I wasn’t the right person for the role. With everything happening in her life, Gemma needed someone who knew how the hell to be a dad, someone who was experienced in relationships, and right now, I felt like I was failing her.

“Stop looking at me like that,” Gemma pleaded while I was still trying to put my thoughts into words. “I know you don’t know where to go from here, but I just don’t think that’s something I can tell you. I can’t…put that on you. You need to decide that for yourself.”

I raked my hand through my hair. Every part of my body ached with the need to reassure her, but for the first time since she’d moved in, I didn’t know how. Not after everything that had been said today. She was scared, and meanwhile, all I could think about was that this was why I always kept things casual with girls. Because I hated the idea of letting them down. Of being someone that people couldn’t expect things from. Of not giving them what they deserved.

And Gemma Briggs and Baby? They deserved the world. They deserved the best. The best version of me. The version of me that Gemma didn’t have any doubts in. The version of me that Gemma would have expectations for.

“You don’t have to decide right now,” she whispered, and the crack in her voice broke my fucking heart. “I told myself that I would be okay with however this ended, and I will be. I’m okay, Noah.” She offered a small, wobbly smile as she tried to prove to me that I didn’t owe her anything. That she was okay with walking away with nothing.

I didn’t believe her. And even if she was okay with it, I wasn’t.

Ended. She said the word ended like I was going somewhere. Like we were over.

Fuck that. We hadn’t even begun—not really. And that was my fault, something I needed to fix.

Gemma walked away after she gave me her reassurances that actually felt like little stabs to the chest.

And I let her.